Ask Amy: My Daughter’s Anger Has Turned To Violence

Dear Amy: My daughter is toxic. She and her husband live with me, but thanks to my big down payment, they will be moving soon.

I look forward to their absence. I am thinking of changing the locks once they leave.

My abrasive daughter tends to get angry and eliminate those she thinks offend her.

The list is long and includes her only brother, my sister, a nephew, my brother, her only daughter, many of my friends and their spouses, many of her own friends, her husband’s family and all of her old friends.

My elderly mother (94) and I at least some of the time are caught in the crossfire and then she’ll stop talking to us for weeks at a time.

Recently, however, his angry behavior has intensified. She threw me to the ground. Even though I was not injured, I was shocked.

I think she needs therapy to deal with her overwhelming anger. I told him about it. Unsurprisingly, it turned into an argument.

Of course, I was wrong to sting an alligator with unsolicited advice, but I am her mother and I care about her.

Her husband is a nice person, but he is intimidated by her angry temper.

When my daughter takes offense, she inflates the problem to gargantuan proportions, adds it to a litany of ancient insults and believes she is the victim. She doesn’t tolerate any disagreement (no matter how small) and when she does argue, she tears her opponent to shreds with every insult imaginable.

Strategies that are NOT effective include: tiptoeing, accepting – (thus fueling the rage), apologizing (making her feel offended), trying to provide insight into the insignificance of the problem, try to be understanding or try to ignore it.

Do you have any ideas?

– Mother

Dear mother: Yes, your daughter needs help. I could speculate on what’s going on with her, but she should be seen by a doctor and mental health professional for evaluation. Will she submit to this? Probably not, as part of her illness, temperament, and personality is that she cannot admit that she has a problem or that she IS a problem.

However, I am very concerned about you and your 94 year old mother, and in my opinion you should be worried too.

If your daughter ever threatens or physically injures you or someone else in the household, you should call the police and she should leave the home immediately.

She is used to initiating arguments and then declaring alienations.

This tendency might ultimately protect you, but if it gets worse and she doesn’t keep her distance, you need to file a restraining order.

You may have to love her from a distance.

Unfortunately, you can’t protect her husband, but you can hope he finds ways to protect himself.

Dear Amy: I am a female in my forties and my father’s captive “buddy”.

My older brothers live in other states. I live 30 minutes from my parents, who still suffer from “empty nest syndrome”.

My dad calls me his ‘buddy’ and we go fishing or car shows and things like that. However, when he wants to grab me rank, he’s bossy.

I’m tired of shifting gears and walking on eggshells.

Last month he was in my apartment and saw a prescription bottle for medicine and asked tirelessly to know what it was for. A few weeks ago I helped him work on a project and he decided to pester me about going to church.

How can I get him to calm down and make friends?

– Tired

Dear Tired: Your father (at his age) is unlikely to change. You can, however. Dealing with aging parents is a dance. Boundaries must be drawn and maintained, but tolerance is also necessary.

Let him know that if he wants you to be his “boyfriend,” you would like him to treat you like one.

Dear Amy: I am disgusted that you approved of “polyamory” in your column! Marriage is between two people. Period.

– Disgusted

Dear disgusted, I did not approve of polyamory; I posted a question on polyamory and quoted an expert in my answer.

Personally, I believe that polyamory is not an optimal family system for children (too many people / parents, potentially creating too much drama), but when it comes to how adults conduct their own relationships, I see polyamory as a relationship choice and I try not to judge how consenting adults choose to live.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)